2012 - It never occurred to me that I suffered trauma while giving birth to my first child. At the time, although I was distraught, I thought this was just how birthing goes. Only after years of hearing other women's' stories -- some terribly heartbreaking -- did I realize I had some similar experiences during my birth.
My pregnancy and care leading up to the actual birth was very good. I didn't experience anything traumatic or unusual. My GP and my OB were both wonderful, were caring and reassuring, and never withheld information. Because of my history with high blood pressure though, I was told that unless I went into natural labor beforehand, I would be induced no later than week 40. I did not have an option. At 39 weeks I showed no signs of labor so my OB made an induction appointment for the 40-week mark.
Hubby and I went into my appointment nervous but excited to finally meet baby, but were told that I had to come back the following day as they were too swamped in the labor/delivery ward to take me in. Although I didn't suffer any medical or physical impact from this, we were a bit deflated that we had to wait. The following day we showed up mid-afternoon (as requested by the hospital), I was registered and given a bed. We waited several hours for the OB to show up, but eventually were told that she had left for the evening and I would have to return the following morning. At this point I was frustrated and confused. My OB had made it very clear that she did not want me to go over my due date but here I was being turned away a second time. However, being my first pregnancy I just smiled and accepted it as I thought maybe this is just how things are.
We showed up the following morning, very early (as requested by the hospital) and once again I was registered and given a bed. Shortly afterwards my OB showed up and started the induction with the Foley tube. She was polite but seemed extremely rushed and I didn't see her again for the rest of the day. The tube stayed inside me for about 24 hours, during which I experienced very painful false labor. It felt like I was contracting for hours on end without any relief, yet I wasn't even dilating. The nurse who was with me that day was very kind, compassionate, and helpful. Before nightfall she asked if I wanted pain relief to which I consented to. She gave me a shot of morphine which helped tremendously with the pain and I was able to sleep. By midnight the morphine had subsided but so had the pain, but I wasn't able to sleep. Around 6am I started to feel very light contractions, and I was elated. A new nurse (also very kind) came in to check on me, and after consulting with my OB via telephone, removed the Foley tube and started me on a Pitocin drip. Although I wasn't specifically asked to consent to the drip, I was given a detailed explanation as to why I was being given this treatment and that it would speed up the labor. I was a bit scared because I had never heard of this drug, but the the thought of prolonging the labor even more was enough for me to agree. The nurses who administered the Pitocin were wonderful and compassionate; they could tell we were nervous as first-time parents and reassured us we were okay.
It did not take long for my labor to jump-start after that. My contractions started to get stronger and closer together. My OB showed up around 9am, seeming rushed once again, and did a vaginal check to confirm I was dilatating. When she asked if my water had broke I said no, and she proceeded to break my water. She didn't ask, she just said "well okay I will break it for you". Is that normal? Should she have asked, or is that something that just has to be done at a certain point? It was very painful and I started crying, to which she replied with a laugh and said I had a sensitive cervix...is that even a thing?? But again, being my first time I didn't dare ask questions.
Once my water was broken my contractions became more painful and closer together. At this point my BP was rising. At the risk of it rising further, the nurses gently suggested I get an epidural. I had been on the fence about an epidural but they explained the risks vs the benefits and I consented to the epidural. The anesthesiologist came in and started setting me up. My contractions were very painful at this point and I couldn't sit still for the anesthesiologist and he started berating me that I needed to be still, that my back wasn't arched enough, try not to move, try not to scream, etc etc. I did my best and eventually the epidural was in. I should say that the nurses and my husband were so wonderful throughout this entire process. Very kind and patient.
Fast forward 4 hours and I'm getting close to 10cm. The last few contractions very painful even with the epidural, but otherwise I was okay. My BP had come down and was at a normal rate. My OB had been in and out of the room twice and was very rushed. She would be there for a minute or so, say nothing, check me, then leave. This was disappointing because she had been AMAZING during the last 3 months of care. Never rushed, never rude. I was so confused.
When it came time to push, she seemed super annoyed and rushed. She told me not to make any noise. Like, what?! I didn't push for very long, maybe 20 minutes or so, but the entire time she just kept telling me to stop making noise and to just push. I'm blessed my husband was at my side, whispering to me that I was doing great, that everything was okay, and I was a rockstar. I don't know what I would have done without him.
Our daughter was finally born on a Friday, after several days of back-and-forth and almost 24 hours of pain. She was healthy and perfect. As I was holding her, I noticed my OB was still in between my legs and she tells me I've torn. Without any notice or permission she started to stitch me up. I would have 100% given consent but she just starting doing it without even telling me! I started to wince and squirm and she said "stop, you can't feel this". Um, yes I definitely can. "No, you can't" she says again. At this point I'm exhausted so I just stopped arguing with her because, why bother? Once the stitches were finished she left without a word. I literally didn't see her again.
The after-care was great, as I dealt with wonderful and caring nurses who checked on me at least every hour or so. Even when my daughter had trouble latching, they offered formula to supplement and said I could use it only if I wanted to. There was never any judgment. They always followed up with the pain meds and made sure I was as comfortable as I could be.
I know my story isn't NEARLY as devastating and traumatic as some. But the parts that were upsetting for me left me with severe anxiety, to the point where I was terrified at the thought of giving birth again 4 years later when I had my son.
I was so confused and frustrated at the lack of communication between me and my OB during delivery. I was terrified when I ended up with her AGAIN with my second child, even after I had specifically picked a different OB for this time around (my OB was in a different hospital that night and my previous OB was the one on-call that night). I was plagued with anxiety and fear when she walked in. She once again broke my water for me, this time at least she gave me notice. It came out a greenish-brown color and without even making eye contact with me she said "Well that's not good, the baby has pooped inside the amniotic sac and could suffocate. We'll have to call in a pediatric surgeon." THEN SHE WALKED OUT OF THE ROOM. The nurse could tell by my face that I was terrified at what I just heard and gave me a detailed explanation on what to expect. My son was born perfectly healthy, but I did have to wait 25 minutes AFTER full dilation for this surgeon to show up just to make sure my son was breathing.
When I think back, I see a scared woman giving birth and an OB rushing to do the job. I know birthing isn't all sunshine and rainbows, but it shouldn't be terrifying. The waiting game + the lack of communication is terrifying. We should not be terrified to give birth!
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