A year later and I’ve only just processed this…
I was in the hospital receiving medications to be induced into labor.
The nurse would regularly come in to check my cervix to see if it had dilated any, and I felt no pain. The nurse told me exactly what she was going to do it before she did it.
A few hours into the induction when it became clear the induction was not happening and the medicine was not causing me to go into labor, the doctor came in. I had only seen my actual Obgyn a few times through the night, which was fine because I was prepared for things to take a long time.
The nurse came back in the room to again, check my cervix, however my OBGYN Dr. Susman told the nurse that she wanted to feel my cervix herself to see if I had gotten anywhere and what that may mean.
I was fine with this, but then I started to feel her much deeper inside of me, I could feel an extremely painful and sharp pain, it hurt SO badly. I screamed out in pain, In was confused, I started to make noises so try to cope with the pain as she continued to, do what she had told me she was going to do, which I assumed was accurate, “check my cervix.”
I began to assume maybe her way of checking my cervix is just much more painful, maybe she’s more rough, maybe she just is taking her time making sure to get a correct measurement of my cervix, or maybe she felt something that was wrong and she needed to feel more, but her hand was still in me for what felt like 20 minutes but was more like 2 minutes. I was in excruciating pain the entire time. It left me in extreme pain, I was in agony, when she finally stopped, she took a deep breath and immediately had the conversation with me that it doesn’t seem as if I’m moving along and because the baby showed distress recently, I cannot remember whether this was before the exam or after. After her exam I felt violated, i felt dirty, I felt like I was reliving a rape I had experienced in the past and all the emotions that came with it, I was in pain and next thing I know I hear the doctor say out loud to the nurse “no she’s just not moving along, I EVEN tried to manually break her water and it wouldn’t budge at all, and I tried hard!”
I was shocked.
It is the one years of age anniversary of this date and it is my daughter’s first birthday. I have been unable to sleep all night. I feel depressed and anxious, I am crying, and I feel like I am paralyzed. I recently shared this with a mommy and my group I am in and began to realize what I shared, how serious it was, and how it had been harming and affecting me, I don’t feel safe out of the house, I can’t bring myself to see a doctor for myself in person. I feel safe nowhere anymore.
Dr. Susman violated me at Providence Cedars Tarzana Cedars Sinai. The nurse was informed of what she did. My husband was in the room. I even hired a doula to be there to help prevent me from any further trauma because I had recently only just ended a long journey to have someone who raped me prosecuted, which I agreed to settle because the stress of the case was putting me through too much emotional pain and causing me too much stress while I was pregnant, so the DA agreed to whatever we could agree on so I could move on and be happy with my growing family. The doula was not present when this occurred. Needless to say, I wanted her nowhere near me when she offered to come back. She was literally tied to help me make sure I was kept safe and informed and not traumatized any further in my life through the birth than I had already gone through previously in my life.
She didn’t protect me from my own doctor's assault on me. No one did. I can’t believe this happened giving birth to my first daughter. I’m not okay. It’s been a whole year.
I know this is a place for those in Canada to share their stories but I really needed to share. I don’t feel safe anywhere. I cannot bring myself to see a doctor, not the eye doctor or a dentist, and I certainly have not been back to an OBGYN.
I am depressed; I am suffering from Sever PPD. Nothing feels joyful, I feel no excitement about anything, I feel worthless, I feel shame. I had let myself and my body, and I lost my breastmilk early bc I believe it caused me to feel a disconnect with my baby.
I need a good therapist and I need possibly an attorney. I hate myself for having done nothing because I know she is likely going around doing this to others and as a survivor of a
Previous violent rape I fought for the person to be prosecuted for nearly a decade who is walking free today, I feel like I am just nothing to everyone, like no one has worth or sees worth in me.
It is incredibly painful. I feel so alone. And I’m supposed to celebrate my beautiful daughter today and my mom is here, I am crying on the couch with no sleep second night in a row.
I am experiencing a profound sense of disconnection from my sense of self. It feels as though I am unable to recognize who I truly am, as if I am a stranger to myself. This feeling of disorientation and detachment is making it difficult for me to navigate my life and relationships with others. I am struggling to find a sense of purpose or direction, and I feel like I am missing an essential part of my identity.
I want to file as formal a complaint as I can, but I am so ashamed I haven’t had time even to process this happened until recently; however, now it’s processed and o can’t live with myself knowing she did this to me when I was finally about to have a chance to live a happy life free from this self-disgust and pain but she, my doctor, put me right back where I was ten years ago and I relive the rape and the assault ever day multiple times.
My advice is to open up, share your story, share it with everyone who will listen, as this sharing helps you to heal. Thank You again for this platform. I know I'm not in Canada, but it is happening in America in Los Angeles, California, too.
Healthcare providers are meant to heal us, not harm us. It's time for them to start respecting our bodies and following ethical standards. We have all been through difficult times and their actions can have a deep impact on us. It's time for those in power to take action against any healthcare provider who has violated a patient in any way. Disciplinary action alone is not enough, their right to practice should be taken away. No one should be allowed to continue practicing medicine if they have caused harm to others. It's unacceptable for doctors to go around causing pain, damaging families, and robbing people of what could have been beautiful moments. They should not have the power to hurt anyone, especially those who trust them with their lives. Let's take action and put an end to this now.
I demand that healthcare providers be held accountable for their actions and face legal consequences for the harm they cause to patients who trust them. It is unacceptable for them to abuse their power and leave patients feeling vulnerable. I strongly advocate for imposing a ban on healthcare providers who have a history of violence or causing emotional distress to patients. We must take a stand and ensure that no one else falls prey to such abuse of power in the future.
We must not remain silent in the face of violence. Silence only fuels further violence. Let's speak up and take action against it.
Submitted anonymously
