2015 - When I finally got pregnant I knew I wanted a midwife. As soon as I was released by my fertility clinic, I contacted the midwives in my area.
First meeting it was going okay until she seemed concerned about my "health problems" (I am fat and have celiac disease), but she said that if I'm sure midwifery care is what I want, then we can meet again.
Next visit, more hemming and hawing about my weight being an issue. How it was "dangerous for the baby" How all these bad things were more likely to happen because of my size. Then she took my blood pressure, after telling me my baby was in danger, and seemed to go "See? high bp? Told you so!" I warned her I always test high, I hate doctors and feel anxious during tests, but she just used it as proof that my baby was at risk.
Then she started pushing a consult with a high risk obstetrician. It was my "choice", of course, but if I didn't I would be "endangering my child". I eventually agreed, hating myself for hurting my baby.
I met with Dr Maxwell at Sinai, and she was a saint! She said there's nothing wrong with you, you're healthy, you're wonderful, go forth and baby in whatever manner you wish!
I went back to my midwife with proof that all was well. More hemming and hawing. More talk of how much danger my baby was in.
Next I met her partner, Abir, another saint. She was warm and kind and never once mentioned how much danger my baby was in from my weight. So shockingly my blood pressure was great that day! She gave me the appointment for my anatomy scan and sent me home feeling happy for the first time.
Next appointment was with the first midwife, again lots of talk about how my gestational diabetes test was coming up. Lots of talk about how I was more likely to have it and how much that threatened the baby's life. Then somehow her message switched from how it was likely I would have it, to fact, I will have it. I don't remember how it happened but next she spoke as if the test was just a formality, as if I already had gestational diabetes and the baby was already suffering.
My husband tried talking to her, explaining there are better ways to list out the risks than saying my baby will die. Her response was she was "just doing her job." He tried talking to her more than once but she always blamed my anxiety and her need to do her job.
I met with the backup midwife, I wish I could remember her name because she was truly evil. I had decided to forgo the gestational diabetes test in favour of monitoring my blood sugar at home. By the end of my appointment she was screaming that my baby will die if I don't do the test. SHE WILL DIE. Then she took my blood pressure, and once again it was high.
I did the test, and passed. I did not have gestational diabetes. When my midwife contacted us with the results she also told us she was done with me. That "there is no talking to me" and "where did I want my records sent?"
Just like that, at 26 weeks pregnant I had no medical care and hated myself every day because my baby would die and it would be all my fault, according to this midwife.
I went back to Dr. Maxwell at Sinai because I didn't know what else to do.
I hated myself every day of my pregnancy. I cried every day after she was born because I worried that at any moment she would die, like my midwife had said.
I am pregnant with my second and I am constantly terrified this one will also be in danger because I'm fat.
I haven't found a new OB but I'm worried they will treat me just the way my midwife did because I'm fat and that's what I deserve. Because fat people kill babies?
I felt/feel it was all my fault and what I deserved so I never complained.